ChaBlog

My newfound issues.

2008-12-28T06:30:00.001-06:00

The time has come for the mashpia to be reborn. I thought I was all right. That I had my head on strait and knew which direction I was heading. But I probably don’t. I am confused all over again. I am upset all over again. I am lost all over again. I need someone to point me in a direction. I know which direction I would like to go. I have no idea how to get there. So I think it is time I stop being so egotistic and selfish. Thinking that I know everything about myself and I don’t need to turn to someone smarter for advice and knowledge. But alas, (can I use that word? I always wanted to use that word…) the same question comes to light like so many times before. Who out there can relate to me? Who out there knows “me” well enough to actually give me advice that I can relate to and trust? I don't know who, or if anyone out there can give me what I most defiantly need. But as I sit on the train going home from a concert and all my friends are taking talking with girls I know this is not where I want to be. Do I want to be in 770 learning a sicha right now? As much as I know I should, I cant. It's just not me. There was a time in my life when it could have been, but not now. Defiantly, not now. So where do I want to be? Who do I want to be? I want to be myself. Bull. What does that even mean. I need someone to sit me down look me in the eye and give me some serious advice that I can really walk away with and use to better myself and refine my ideals. The problem with me is not that I’m bad. The problem is that I am not bad. I don't want to be bad. Do I need to me bad? It sure feels like it. There is really no place for me here. Here, being in this state of good Jewish ideals and Frum but missing that extra Chassidish aspect. I do have friends, but not that share my beliefs and understandings, so I don’t have friends to strengthen myself with. And again, who out there can give me advice that is “me”, if nobody out there is “me”... I don't know. I think what it boils down to is that I can't seem to stand by and watch as things that I want slip through my fingers because I am trying to be good. I mean, where is the reward in that? For example, don’t go out with girls now because you want your wife to be the “one’. Yes. That’s true. But I don’t understand the logic. What should I do? I am turning 20 next month. I have been out of yeshiva for 2 years. Work. What should I be doing now? Learning Torah so I can keep my mind off of things like girls? It does not really work like that. Or does it. Well obviously it does for thousands of Jewish teens but not for me. Or does it. And I am not ready for marriage. I’m a kid. So where should I be? What should I be doing? How can I keep myself focused on my goals when there is such an extreme amount of beautiful taivah in New York!? Damit!

My friends have been telling me lately that I am very negative. Always seeing the bad in things. Is it just me, or is there a lot of bad in things nowadays? Please tell me it’s not just me. I feel exile closing in around me like a rope and feel the rays of redemption shine on my back ever so lightly. Does this mean I am in a bad place, or is this the world we are living in…? I know. The drama. Well you know what! Its 7am and I still can’t sleep… so there. Peace out world. Oh and if anyone knows of a good Mashpia… email me.

Maybe i'm wrong but...

2008-10-30T03:51:00.001-05:00

Nobody is going to like this but I feel like I want to talk about it. This election is the first one that I can vote. Am I voting? Not sure yet. I think that I have fallen into something that I generally try to stay away from. Every good Lubavitcher I have bumped into over the last few months and spoke politics is a fervent McCain supporter and believes the Obama is the beginning of apocalypse. I believed that to, even though there was this “yuppie” in me saying that McCain is an ugly old fart and a repeat of the last eight years while Obama is a young, creative guy who gets me. Why do I hear that voice telling me that? Probably because it’s true. McCain is not Bush. McCain’s morals and ideals are Bush. That’s why I’m a republican. Obama does hold of a lot of the same morals as a good republican but obviously not all. Not enough. But is that really a reason for me to pick McCain over Obama? Because one is more or less strict with guns? How is that going to affect my day-to-day life? But then there are issues like Abortion in which Obama does support, which is horrible and immoral, is that a reason why not to vote for him? Yes. Because if I vote for him then some 16 year old unaffiliated Jewish girl in north Carolina will be able to have a legal abortion because Obama supports it and if I vote for him then I am adding to that. When McCain was asked when a baby has rights he answered on a dime “at the moment of conception”. So Yes, I support McCain when it comes to that and when it comes to a few other things. Will he be better for Israel? I don’t know. We all believed that Bush was like the savior for Israel… He now believes in a split state and made his road map to crap. Is McCain pro Israel? Yes. Officially. Is Obama pro Israel? Yes. Officially. What will happen in two, three years from now? I have no idea. Maybe McCain will decide that Palestinians deserve the Kotel. Maybe Obama will decide that Israel should move to Alaska. Either way they both “support” Israel, and they both believe that there can peace there. So should I vote for McCain when it comes to Israel because he is a good white Christian who went to Israel like 50 times in his life? Or should I vote for Obama who is a good black Christian who didn’t visit Israel that many times because he didn’t lose anything there… And yes, I know there are his ties to this and that idiot and that he made a toast to a very anti Israel, pro Palestinian activist. But McCain has ties to plenty of rich stupid Christians who believe in loads of crap and have such twisted morals that they are right up there with the pro Palestine dude. I am not defending Obama or cursing out McCain. I just want to bring some discussion to this election for Lubavitchers. We are so set on McCain only because we are afraid of Obama. Oh and lets get this out of the way: I don’t think that Obama is a sleeper cell terrorist who as soon as he gets into office is gonna raise the swastika over the white house and nuke Israel. I think Obama is a nice, smart family man that honestly I would much rather listen to him talk for the next eight years then McCain. The fact is this. McCain is going to be a repeat of the last eight years. I enjoyed all the Bush humor and “don’t give a crap” attitude as much as the next guy but the reality is that the economy is in the crapper, we are at a long, expensive, drawn out war and the situation in Israel is no better due to Bush. My Dad was laid off 4 years ago. We are trying to make ends meet each week and pay the bills. I seriously believe that Obama can fix all that. Call me crazy but I believe that the guy has such a force about him that he can make change. Even before he is president the amount of people that flock behind him is inspiring. And they are not a bunch of California hippies. They are the typical family you will find in your local Chabad house. Who are the big backers behind McCain? Fervent Christians. Crazy rednecks. Chabadnicks… I have not heard McCain say anything that ever made me go “wow, I want to vote for this guy!” All is have ever said was “damn this guys is an old stupid politician.” When I watched the 30 minute primetime that Obama put on TV last night I was thinking that I wanted to vote for him so badly. The guy has got it. He has the ideas, the motivation, the modern thinking, and the preacher voice. I don’t believe and hold with a lot of his values or ideas as I said before but in my opinion Obama is the man America needs now. Not the world, not the Jewish people, but America. I believe he can reface our country and remind us why it’s so awesome to be an American. I think McCain will be a good leader. Will protect us well from terrorism. Will keep us happy with his morals and beliefs, but I do not think that McCain can fix this country. And yes, we need fixing. Anyway that’s my opinion. So am I voting for Obama? Hell no. Will I be upset if he gets into office? Umm no. I want our economy to grow again. I want the Jewish and non-Jewish troops in Iraq to come home already. I want change and I think Obama is offering us just that. Maybe its because I’m a graphic designer and all those awesome posters have played their tricks on me or that his website won the award as the best designed site of the year… Whatever it may be I will be a happy American if McCain is president or if Obama is president. Because I am an American and I love my country so whomever my president may be, I am still happy to be a citizen of their country. So Lubavitchers and other closed minded folk, Obama has a lot of baggage with him and a few things to be scared about… (Like the Hussein name thing… I thought it was so funny how we are so hung up on that. I mean the former prime minister of Israel’s name was Barack… should we be all weirded out that he shared the same name as a dude with the name Hussein? It was stupid…) But Generally I think Obama has a lot to offer this country and if we just ignore that because he is black or because he Muslim ties is naïve and immature. Again no I don’t think we should vote for him because he believes in things that as a religious Jew I cannot support but if others vote him in… I wont complain. Point is we need our real leader to reveal Himself and take us out of this confusing and disturbing world we find ourselves in. Peace.

Time for Change. In your face obama.

2008-09-03T15:12:00.003-05:00

In a little under 2 weeks I will be leaving the comfort of my home and move my life to Crown Heights Brooklyn. I am still not sure if this was the best idea I have had. I am nervous for change but excited for it at the same time. I have my issues with Crown Heights but I am hoping that I can see past them and enjoy the place for what it really is. New York City! I am no city boy. Raised in Skokie Illinois, it’s a suburb of Chicago, I can count the times I have been downtown with my fingers and a few toes. Crown Heights is far from Skokie. How will I survive without going down the block to starbucks and then crashing with a logo book for a few hours at barnes and noble? I don’t even remember why now but I know that around 4 months ago the decision was made that I needed to get out of Skokie and move to NY. I have been looking for a place since then. All those who may find themselves in a similar situation don’t give up looking because you did not fine “that perfect spot”. They are there. Just hiding. So last week a friend calls me about a place he wants to rent and wanted to know if I was with him. In 24 hours I looked at pictures, discussed a few details and paid my rent. So I’m nervous. It was a fast decision. To think that in those 24 hours I made a decision that will drastically effect my entire year… I’m excited. I am scared to live amongst Crown Heightsters. Will they get me or just look at me like another shtick friyack. In Skokie I go out with jeans and t-shirt no problem. Yes, I am one of those who don’t care what people think, but I am also one of those who like to have respect. I mean its Crown Heights. Will it bother me that the women in Kahns is eyeballing me because I have a transformer on my t-shirt? Probably not. I don’t know. Maybe. People not from the big city, like myself, are saying, “How can you live in such a nasty place…?” Someone very smart told me the other day: “…walk down Kingston ave. and instead of seeing dirty streets and closed minds see the strength of community and the unity of a shared belief…” (Shared belief being Judaism and Chabad.) I really appreciated hearing that. Lubavitch is my life. I revolve myself around it in every way I can and now I get to be in the heart of it. I can go to 770 every day - g-d willing – and stand in the same places that the Rebbe would. That’s special. Does the community have its issues and politics? Sure, but who doesn’t? So yes. I am excited. Crown Heights here I come.

The whole world is created for me.

2008-08-12T23:52:00.003-05:00

I never understood this line.

I tried to portray it through art.

Enjoy.

www.yossigraphicdesign.com

My Holy Land.

2008-07-13T08:09:00.004-05:00

A few weeks ago I went on a birthright trip to Israel. It was 10 days of total awe. I never thought about Israel like I do now. Ya, I read the news, said tehillim when there was an attack and learnt about why I don’t hang an Israeli flag in my room. But I never really thought about it. Like what does it mean to me that there is a home for Jewish people? Literally, a home. I am no Zionist, but there was no denying as I walked down the streets in the old city that this is my home. Sadly I never had a feeling for Israel like I do now. I just want to go back. Politics and everything aside, it’s the land that g-d gave to us. It’s the land the Rebbe farbrenged about on countless occasions. Each step you take is holy ground. As my very Zionist tour guide put it “I don’t understand you Americans. You have Eretz Yisroel right here and you all choose to live in Mitzrayim”. It’s a true statement. Yes we have a mission here in America but that’s no denying that our one and only home is Jerusalem. The fact that I still look for an apartment on craigslist in Crown Heights instead of Jerusalem is confusing. I love America and I defiantly don’t like the lifestyle of Israel. Going to the shuck Friday to get challah is just not me. I like my air-conditioned breadsmith down the block. I think that is the only reason that I am not just jumping to Israel. I like it here. Galus is nice. It’s a disturbing thought when I dwell on it so I wont.

We spent 10 days mostly on a bus traveling across the entire Israel. I got to experience a large part of Israel and met a lot of interesting people. One of the places we went was to a Kibbutz thingy way up north directly on the border with Lebanon. The area that we could see of Lebanon was run by Hezbollah. We actually could see their flag. We were given a tour by an interesting character who had lived there for about 50 years. He made aliyah from America when he was just a teenager and fought in all four of the major Israeli wars. So here I go with my negativity but there were a few guys on our group that were real chassidishers. A good thing. Anyway as this guy was talking to us about how a group of terrorist from Lebanon came into his kibbutz years ago and took kids hostage one of the guys on our group piped up and asked why Israel doesn’t just invade Lebanon and take it over. The man giving us the tour looked at him in shock. He answered how only we “Yeshiva Boys” sitting and learning in America can ask such stupid questions. He went on to explain first about how and Israeli war is very different then America invading Iraq. Its east for us to say “ya I support bush if he wants to invade Iran” Why? Because we don’t know the army. It’s a bunch of goyim. Israel on the other hand, he went on, is all Jewish blood. How fast are you willing to give up even one Jewish life? And we asked about making a massive war with Lebanon and losing hundreds if not thousands of Jewish lives. Jewish Blood! “Your brothers and sisters and you just calmly ask why we don’t sign their death warrants and send them to the front lines.” I was very embarrassed. This guy went through four wars. Lost friends and family. Saw things we should never know of. And us comfortable Americans with no shells falling on our heads judge them. I decided I wont judge Israel or their politics unless I live there and then can have a say. Who am I living here is my nice Skokie house while this man over the last 20 years has been physically attacked 20 times. Ya, it was an awakening. Life is not all black and white and foxnews. Jewish souls are Jewish souls. Secondly the guy explained to us that Israel does not even have the manpower to invade a country. “Israel is strictly a country of defense”. Listening to this guy speak I wanted to move to Israel right then and there and join the army. Israel is a wonderful place. Even as a Lubavitcher who the idea of Zionism and the state is a very big no-no, my opinion of Israel was that there was plenty of good to go along with all the bad. And what makes the American government so good anyway…. On the plane home I was thinking about where in Jerusalem I want to get an apartment next year. Now around a week later I am quickly snapping back to exile and my dreams of the holy land see to be once again, just dreams.

I know. I'm working on it.

Below is a small collection of some of the photos I took on my trip.

Gallery 1 - Gallery 2

ShopYossi.com

2008-05-28T02:49:00.005-05:00

Got bored and designed some tee's. Hope to do a lot more. Maybe like a one a day thing... whatever, Check it out at www.shopyossi.com

The wandering jew - by Menucha

2008-05-27T20:20:00.000-05:00

A bag is planted upon his shoulders,
torn sandals grace his blistered feet.
he walks the desert, sun scorching his wounds,
his pulse in rhythm – a pitiful beat.

His memory bleeds of peaceful times,
His mind is warped and tired,
And all the wandering starts to drown
The faith that once inspired.

It’s been too long since palace days,
His senses mucked and tampered,
The textures of that sacred home,
The scents that filled that tabern…

And now that night seems far away,
His daughters – raped, and lost and gone,
His house was trampled, and lit aflame,
He fled into the crack of dawn.

He walks the earth - the sand, the stars;
All witness to the scenes,
A tapestry of golden threads,
Was ripped out at the seams

His sons – they fought with hearts on fire,
Too zealous for their own good,
They beat their drums against the code,
And die – he knew they would.

His hands reach out to touch the sun,
his eyes too blank to wander,
through desert, and from town to town
each man he meets he squanders

The sands of time, blow by and by,
In sunshine and in sorrow,
Kingdoms come and go and come,
He still awaits tomorrow

His princes thrown into the deep,
Their ashes burned of crimson ribbon,
His clothing soaked in years of pain,
Bloodstains now drench the sacred linen.

He comes, once more, to one more village,
He begs to stay the night, the week,
He swears in the name of his Holy father,
To live again, for peace to seek…

He works his hands, and sweats his brow,
He sews their worthless lot of land,
His culture pays, his intellect shows -
Oasis from their spot of sand

And while his mind still feels the blows
The searing of the flesh – it stings,
Visions of his burning home,
Memories of faithful kings

And martyrdom of many ways,
And zealots who established wrecks,
And those who forged the tumbling crown,
Now lay in dust – in retrospect

He doesn’t stop, he walks; he runs,
He pays his fees, more than his fare,
His hands are wrinkled, cracked and pained,
The spinning wheel turns on from here

Yet visions of the future still
too far from thimbled thumb to touch,
with nothing but a stitch in time,
self-righteousness if nothing much

And yet he works, he lives, he thrives…
For in his mind a future bright,
With history far behind him now,
Yet, tyrants not quite out of sight.

And, still he knows the time will come,
His wandering will reach it’s end,
The past will then be turned to play,
The promise just around the bend

He believes, yes he believes,
His father told him long ago –
This family’s name will bear the shame,
Of sinners purposely gone below

And with that shame, they bare the name,
Of fathers, sons, and heroines
The wandering will come to close,
The end of time will zero in…

A promise not yet lost beneath,
The curtains layering the pain,
Alive inside – a fire bright!
Redemption of his fathers fame

And so he works, he knows it still,
On the promise he’ll depend
He sweats his soul, and reaps no gain,
Not gain until the very end……

No gain that he can see or touch,
No end of exile – horizon clear,
Yet, he moves on, his body slow,
Just one more step, just one more blow…

Just one more day, one more night,
One more action, one more light,
One more memory, of just more pain,
A wandering old man – gone insane.

A chosen people – lost in vain.

Jewish Music 101 - v2

2008-04-06T02:08:00.002-05:00

G-d its been to long. I have been depriving myself of the joys of blogging. Ok, here goes my next “Jewish” Music post. Let me repeat the same disclaimer that went along with the old one. Not all the music I am about to post is “frum” jewish music. The artists are all Jewish and most sing of Jewish concepts. Some are Hebrew and I don’t know what they are saying. I do know basic Hebrew cursing and I think they don’t include any of that. If you don’t want to listen to friyeh Jewish music don’t read this post. Instead go to you local Judaic store and buy the latest Eli Gerstner CD… (If you can consider that more Jewish then this stuff.) For all those pusteh keliem out there… read on.

1. Soulfarm

Most of you probably know who soulfarm is. Including C. Lanzbom they have been rocking the Jewish music scene forever. Their styles range from song to song and they have some great live CD’s out there. My personal favorite is entitled “Scream of the crop”, but make sure to get unwind. They can be purchased on itunes.com

2. Kabbalah Dream Orchestra

After my last music post someone introduced me to Kabbalah Dream Orchestra. Ever since I have listened to the song “Kinder” a billion times. I am a massive Matis fan and I have to say that these guys stole the cake with their rendition of “kinder”. These guys put a spin on niuggunim that I cant get enough of. A few Luabvicthers in Tzfas put this together and all I can really say about them is that niggunim have not sounded this good since the 60’s. They can be purchased on itunes.

3. Adam Weinberg

I first heard Adam play on stage with Matisyahu. They did an awesome version of Hinai Mah Tov that you can download for free on Matisyahu’s myspace page. After the concert I ended up sitting with him and a few guys waiting for mairav. He is an awesome guy with an awesome job. His sound comes directly from his soul out the strings of his acoustic guitar. They are enjoyably relaxing and moving at the same time. His new CD was released a little while ago and it can be purchased on itunes.

4. ‘Eden Mi Qedem

Ok I will be totally honest, I have absolutely no idea what this guy is singing during his Hebrew songs, so before you listen to him the views of the singer do not reflect on the views of ChaBlog… unless he is singing awesome stuff… then it does. His few English songs do rock. I know most of you will hate this guy and not even be able to get through a one song but I beg you to put it on you ipod, go for a drive at 3am on the highway and play the songs dessert call. Ahh, the joys of galus. He can be purchased on itunes.

5. Fools of Prophecy

I discovered them only a few weeks ago and have quickly climbed to my itunes “25 most played songs”. Basically I love them. Again they are in Hebrew so I don’t understand most of what they are saying and they have a drop of background kol isha, which could very well be underage boys. Actually I am listening to them as I write this and they might have some serious shvartzeh doing some vocals so chassidishers beware. They are fun to listen to… Very, very fun. Both of their CD’s can be purchased on itunes.

6. Nichoach unplugged

When I first heard this it blew my socks off. They really took off their hats for this one. No more high-pitched “Uber a Mayleh, vider a mayleh” Now they have some rocker screaming it, with some serious heavy metal in the background. They replaced those high-pitched kids choir with dropouts from American idol and swapped the Yamaha keyboard for some rockster band. They also have their own version of kinder but they say the words so fast I can even make them out. Ok this is getting lame. They don’t really exist but they should. So whoever wants to put this out, I will design free artwork for them. And no, they can’t be purchased on itunes.

7. Y-Love

If you have been looking for some good Jewish hip-hop/rap out there Y-Love is your man. I saw him perform live in Long beach, California at the Jewlicious festival this year and he really brought down the house. This guy can rhyme. His latest CD “This is Babylon” is really awesome. And I quote: "...a linguistic mystic with a style all his own" - Dap Mag. Y-Love seamlessly intertwines English, Arabic, Hebrew, Latin and ancient Aramaic. Make sure to check out his blog, www.thisisbabylon.net where he writes his views and dvar torahs. His CD can be purchased on itunes.

8. Levyatan

I’m not going to lie. I don’t know anything about this guy other then his music rocks and he’s got a flowing white beard with some very serious peyos… (Awesome in my book). You can check him out on his website www.levyatan.com or buy his CD on itunes.

Aight, that’s it for now. I do have some more but I cant give you guys all this awesome music in one shot. Enjoy it. Now for some Matis news… He rocked Langerado music festival a few weeks ago in Florida. He set up a Shabbos tent there so that all the Jews at the concert during Shabbos could daven and have a Shabbos meal. A friend of mine was there and met these 3 guys without shirts and flowing dreadlocks that actually stopped by there to put on teffilin Friday and daven there. They ended up talking to my friend who they told they come from Skokie, where I live, so he put them in touch with the local shliach here and they were really excited. They had a lot of people daven and eat with them over Shabbos who would have been smoking up listening to music instead. Matisyahu’s new CD should be coming out early summer G-d willing so look for it. He has started touring again and all his upcoming shows can be seen on his myspace page. Keep listening to Jewish music people. Peace.

...

2008-03-30T06:41:00.000-05:00

learn from your mistakes.
learn from your mistakes.
learn from your mistakes.
learn from your mistakes.
learn from your mistakes.
learn from your mistakes.
learn from your mistakes.
learn from your mistakes.
learn from your mistakes.
learn from your mistakes.
learn from your mistakes.
learn from your mistakes.
learn from your mistakes.
learn from your mistakes.
learn from your mistakes.
learn from your mistakes.
learn from your mistakes.
learn from your mistakes.

Matis Revisited

2008-03-04T04:22:00.003-06:00

Just saw Matis this weekend in California. Check out these vids of him performing at the Jewlicious Festival in Long Beach, which I was lucky to take part in. Moshav band and Y-love, among others, performed there Motzie Shabbos and it really rocked. He will be performing this Motzie Shabbos in Florida at the annual Lengarado Music Fest. He will be making "a full Shabbos experience" in a tent for all the Jews who are at the festival.

Also check out this postcard I just finished for him.

A story...

2008-02-25T08:57:00.004-06:00

So its been a while. I have been working full time lately and don't have much time to actually think to hard and do write-ups for the blog. What I have been doing is working on a short story... I know, I know... But its what I've been up to, so i decided to post the first chapter here and see what the general response would be. So to the readers of Chablog may i pressent to you the first chapter of:

"For the Blood of my Fathers."

The moon had just risen over the hills in the distance. Karash and I were very lost. The dessert of Shattilion was not large. It was as if G-d created his own labyrinth of sand, watching his lowly creations stumble in its red dust, only to be eventually eaten by the teeth of nature. Legend had it that the dessert of Shattilion only swallowed those who had sinned. Those who have not would acquire clear passage. I suppose you can call me a sinner. On the opposite side of the Shattilion lay the great city of Lirenna. Lirenna was my city. Its streets and towers belonged to me many years before the war befell our kingdom. I was exiled across the Shattilion to live in a barren land deprived of milk and honey. I had become a homeless man. No country or dwelling to call my own. My people are all that remains of me. My followers. This here, is my story.

I was born in Lirenna in the heart of the middle ages. Christianity was everywhere. My father, Toi, was a man of G-d. Traveling from city to city spreading his ideas of a final redemption when the world would be a better place for all mankind. The preaching of Judaism would be banned three years later. People thought of him as a heretic. Standing only five and a half feet tall no one took him seriously. His holy words would forever fall on deaf ears. He met my Mother at a tavern on the outskirts of Lirenna when he was thirty-three. She was working in the stables caring for the horses. Girls of the tribe were scattered throughout these parts of the country after the first holy war of the generation. The Christians killed most of them, claming it was the girls who were responsible for the Black Death that killed hundreds of Christians living in the provinces of Lirenna. The story went, that the girls of the tribe poisoned sixty wells throughout the country, during the largest synchronized Jewish attack in the history of these parts. Obviously these stories were nothing more then fables, being that women of the tribe were not allowed to kill. The Christian politicians and members of the church went to work immediately charging the Hebrews with a major conspiracy to take over Lirenna and eventually the continent. Now this was true. The tribe had been working on a plan for generations. They wished for a Jewish continent where their oppressors could not reach out and choke them, but to think that young women of the tribe would be sent on a mission of amalek proportions was totally inconceivable. After the killing and hunting down of Jewish girls throughout Lirenna came to halt, the ones that remained were in hiding. Reiah fled to the outskirts of Lirenna and was taken in by a tavern keeper to work in the stables. As my father brought his horse around back he saw my mother there swaying back and forth in the form of a trance. He approached and saw that she seemed to be praying but not in the way that her Christian attire requested of her. When Reiah heard the stomps and steps of horse and master behind her she quickly froze to her ground.
“East is the opposite direction,” Toi stated.
Reiah slowly turned to view the tribesman who had called out to her.
“From where do you come Hebrew?” my father inquired.
She quickly answered “From the G-d of my fathers.”
They wed a month later and I was conceived immediately, as is requested by the laws of the tribe. At this point the practice of Judaism was completely banned throughout the country and Jewish souls swayed from the noose on a daily basis. They moved back to the heart of the city pretending to be good Christian townspeople. I was born into a home filled with crosses and the flame of Christianity. When I was a boy my parents did not tell me anything different them what I saw. I went to church and knelt beside my cot before retiring to my own little world. I was a dreamer. Each night I would conquer another country, save another princess, and slay priest after priest. When my dreams would come to that point I would awake in a cold sweat and call out for my parents. I never understood why each night my beautiful dreams would turn into those of horror and bloodshed. I was just a boy. When I turned thirteen years of age my parents stated that they were taking me to the sea as a gift. We rode all through the day and into the night far outside the outskirts of Lirenna. I was asleep when my father opened the door of the carriage and told me to get out. We were in the hills somewhere, it seemed as if trees and weeds grew up from every inch of ground. My father turned me around, with his hands tight around my forearms.
“Look at me Freydo” my father said. “You have been a good son, your mother and I love you very much and therefore this is difficult for us.”
Shivers ran down my neck. I remember being so afraid of what drastic thing my father was going to do that would bring him to use such dramatic words.
“You are a Jew. You are the son of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. The G-d of the Hebrews is the only g-d and the g-d of your fathers and your mothers. You have been brought up as a Christian for your own safety but now as you turn thirteen, according to Jewish law you become a man-
I could barely control my laughter and cut my father off mid sentence.
“What is this father? What sort of game is this?”
My father, with so much force, had never hit me before. His hand stung the side of my face and instantly made my eyes water. I was not crying.
“Listen to me child! You are a Jew. I know this is hard to comprehend, but it is the truth, and the truth, no matter what it may be, is always hard to believe. I leave you now in the hands of members of the tribe. They will teach you and train you for the life you are destined to live.”
As I stood there in total shock staring into the eyes of my father, I knew then, he spoke words of truth.
“Where is mother?” I asked, “I did not see her in the carriage when I got out.”
“Your mother would not be capable of handling the amount of pain in letting her only son go. She is waiting safely with members of the tribe a few hours away.”
And then as abruptly as the entire scene transpired my father said he loved me, mounted a horse, and rode off into the night with the torch he was carrying, engulfing me in complete darkness. I stood alone. Darkness swallowing my previous fear, I hear a man speak nearby in a foreign tongue.
“Who is there?” I call into the blackness. The man continues to babble in a language I do not understand.
“Show yourself!” I call out with so much force I could have sworn the trees around me quivered. Immediately to my left an elderly man with white hair mysteriously appeared out of the blackness. He looked like a mystic out of one of my dreams. With a long flowing beard and side locks he was like no human I had ever seen before. He wore around his frail body a yellowing shawl of sorts. It has a strange inscription going along the top of what seemed to be a hood.
“Welcome my child.” The old man exclaimed.
“Our world has been waiting for you for to long, but now you are here and a new day quickly approaches the tribe of Abraham.”
Bewildered I asked,
“Why do you speak of me as some Messiah? I am a good Christian boy from Lirenna, and frankly your accusations about my presence are frightening me.”
“Don’t be afraid.” The old man answered.
“Walk with me and I will explain everything.”
He must have seen me surveying the area for an escape route for he quickly added,
“Where would you go? Your family has left you and the road back to Lirenna is many hours away. This land here, that your feet stand upon, is our territory.”
“Come walk with me.”
As we began to walk side by side in the darkness, the mystic went on to explain.
“Fifty some odd years ago the tribe was created. We have one G-d and one goal.”
“And what is that?” I quickly asked.
“The same goal the Jewish people have had since the day our earth came into existence. To make this world a dwelling place for G-d and a dwelling place for g-d chosen people. It was only forty years ago that a small group of brave men decided that the way the world was turning the final redemption would take an eternity to be upon us, so they created a small army of Hebrew rebels. At first it was small acts of crime against our Christian oppressors. As they years went on and the government of Lirenna was tightening its hold on our souls, they started acting out on a much greater scale. Have you heard of the Black Death?”
“Yes.” I answered. “Those vile women killed children.”
“Oh but there is where you are mistaken.” The old man corrected me. “The women of the tribe had no connection with the Black Death. It was the final act of crime the tribe planted upon the Christians. It backfired. Horribly. A priest, Paul II, of the largest church in Lirenna, created a myth that the Jewish girls were the ones that poisoned the wells throughout the country. Mobs hit the streets immediately killing every Jewish girl they laid eyes upon. The ones that were blessed escaped to the outskirts of Lirenna where they took on the appearances of Christians and lived out their years working in stables and inns. Your mother, Reiah, was one of those girls.
“You knew my mother?” I inquired of the mystic.
“Yes, very well. Very well indeed. Let me finish explaining the tribe before I go on to explain how you, my son, tie into all this.”
“After the tragedy of the Black Death befell our people, the tribe was in a state of annihilation. Our own blood cursed us for the tragedy that befell our women and banished the tribe from the city of Lirenna, only to travel to this g-d forsaken forest, where we have been dwelling and planning since. For years we sat here thinking of ways to retake the city and save our people from the persecution of their souls and bodies. We created a rickety plan that would have been a suicide mission for the tribes greater good. The members were willing to sacrifice themselves in the name of G-d, to save his people. On the day that the plan was supposed to be put into action a man was found in the forest and was taken in by one of the tribes patrols. He claimed to be some sort of prophet dating back to the time of king Solomon. He ranted about how he would speak to the nature of our forest throughout the years and ask them to keep us safe. At first we all harassed the tired man, draped in what could only be explained, as ancient clothing. He asked us to gather all the members of the tribe together. That night all the tribe members gathered out of curiosity for the strange figure that had walked into our midst. The man was standing upon a rock. Held in his hand was a wooden walking stick. He was muttering the holy tongue, and casting his stick around his head like a madman. The tribe members circled in closer around him trying to make something of it. The traveler started screaming louder and louder in the holy tongue, calling out for angels and demons alike to swarm to him and give him the power to speak with us. His face was white and his rickety old body was shaking with tremors that I could have sworn I felt under my own two feet. Shockingly, for the people standing close by, it all stopped. The man stood still. Looking at us from upon his rock. He said he came to us with a prophecy from G-d. I did not believe him. He went on to tell us about a soul that was born into this world on that very day. The proud parents were hidden Jews living in the city of Lirenna. He proclaimed that this soul would be a great warrior, even more so then that of Juddah, and would retake the city when the time was right.”
“And you think I am this soul” I annoyingly cut in.
“No. I don’t think. I am sure. There is not a chance in my mind that you are not the one that is to save our people, from the hand of our enemies, just as our Hebrew fathers have done before you. We live in a time of war and bloodshed. You, and only you, can stop the daily atrocities happening to our brothers and sisters.”
“You are a senile old man. What kind of magic have you put on my parents to have them believe in such a tale? Why have you brought me here without proof?
The mystic turned to me, his eyes burning with a fire I could barely look at.
“Proof” The mystic yelled. “You ask for proof? Maybe you are not the one we have been waiting for. Did Abraham ask for proof of G-d’s existence?”
“That was very different” I replied, slowly becoming aware by my own lack of belief.
“No!” The mystic yelled even louder. “A Jew relies on faith. Not on proof. We believe in words of wisdom and truth. Such as the words I bring to you today. You are Uriel Ben Amidonov. You are the son of Abraham. You are destined to carry out G-d’s vengeance. It is your life. It is you!”

I stopped walking. This was all too much for me to handle. I did not believe any of it. But still I listened, the way I would listen to my mother tell me fables when I was a child. "You are a Jew." These were the last words my father recited to me before disappearing into the forest. If only I knew that was the last time I would see my beloved father, I would have broken through the chains of darkness to find and beg of him to swear it. Swear to me this is not all just a game. But I did not know. I knew nothing. I was told everything. I was everything.

An ode to my Rebbe

2008-02-06T19:49:00.000-06:00

My Rebbe.
Produced for Chablog
Zalman and Yossi Belkin 08.

From as far back as I can remember
My Rebbe was always there
My world revolved around my Rebbe,
For me he did always care.

I was born in 1989
Four years before he hid away
I was brought up among his teachings
And grew to love him day by day.

I would sit and listen to his stories,
kiss his picture before I went to bed.
I was obsessed beyond obsession,
I wore his blessing on my head.

And now I sit here a grown man,
That love for him has never died,
I hope and pray for my redemption,
And to get off this wretched ride…

I know my Rebbe will redeem me,
He promised he would so long ago,
Many nights have fallen since then,
But my faith in him still stands aglow.

Flashback...

2008-02-06T06:48:00.000-06:00

Can you believe my dad actually saved these?

My very own advert.

2008-01-29T21:53:00.001-06:00

I don't usually advertise myself here but this is gonna be an exception. Here goes:

Want people to think your Purim party rocks even thogh in truth its kida lame? Check out
www.purimstock.com
- Get your Purim on.

I am sad.

2008-01-22T20:02:00.000-06:00

Blessed are You, Lord our G-d, King of the universe, the True Judge.

I am not pissed off at g-d. I am pissed off at myself. My friend’s only son was in the hospital and what did I do about it? Said kapital chof a few times. Showed up at a Farbrengen for 20 minutes. I wont ask g-d why. I have asked so many times and have come to the conclusion that there is no answer. There are reasons, but not that we would comprehend. So I don’t blame g-d. I am not shocked that G-d can do this to such good people. I have so many friends and family that have lost someone; I have become numb to the idea of why. It happens. This is galus. This sucks. I am sad. I am depressed. I am upset. But not at the idea that g-d is playing with our hearts. It’s old. I am upset at myself for not doing more. I was told last night that the condition got worse. I said a few kapitilach and went back to my life. I worked through the night and went to sleep at the break of dawn. When I awoke I heard the terrible news. I have heard this news so many times that as much as I wanted my stomach to scrunch up and my heart to start beating fast, it didn’t. I was upset. How the hell did I go to sleep? I knew he was sick and I went back to my life! Why did I not go to minyan and say the entire tehillim. This is someone I care about. Someone who I like to believe cares about me. And while his child was dying, I was sleeping. While people who don’t even know him were saying tehillim I was dreaming. I am sorry. I am so very sorry. May the Almighty comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.

I am taking on a public hachlatah.
For now on when someone is sick that I personally have any sort of connection with I will take on 10 kapitilach of Tehillim every day.

May the Rebbe reveal himself and take us out of this galus that we have become so comfortable with. Moshiach Now!

Jewish Muisc 101

2008-01-14T01:08:00.000-06:00

So I have this thing that I don’t listen to non-Jewish music. I know, I know, how old fashioned, but its just one of my things. So people always ask me how to I can stand listening to all the boring trumpets and modeh anei’s of Jewish music. I will be honest, I cant. Jewish music has evolved over the past few years like you cant imagine. I am going to do a list of some of my favorite cd’s that all Music lovers, even if you listen to non-Jewish Music must hear. Now let me just give you all a heads up… The Jewish Music that I listen to is not at all “frum” Jewish music. Its not Avrham Fried or Shwekey. But the composers and musician all have Jewish Neshamas and they dont sing about crap. Yes anyone can argue with me that it is not considered Jewish music. To all those, fine. Don’t listen to it. Go home to your holy homes and listen to Shwekey and Yiddle, but please don’t judge my views or me by posting comments. Ok, so here we go.

1. Moshav Band
Moshav band is hands down the best Jewish band in the industry. Their music has all different genres and most of the lyrics have nice messages. Beyond all that their voices are spectacular. From their first cd entitled “days”, to their latest, “misplaced” Mosav band has made listening to Jewish music all that much more bearable. You can buy all their cd’s on itunes or in most Jewish bookstores. I suggest you get them all. Oh, and they have a totally awesome website that you gotta check out www.moshavband.com

2. Adama Kadmon
Adama Kadmon is a group I was first introduced to while I was learning in South Africa. Their music is very different then anything you have ever heard and the vibe is amazing. Mixed with Hebrew, English, and a few South Africa languages, I think Zulu, it’s a cd you defiantly should own. You can buy it on their myspace page. www.myspace.com/adamakadmon

3. Balkan Beat Box
Alright, Balkan Beat Box is defiantly far from frum. Not much of their music has anything to so with Jewish things but there is no denying that they bring a very funky sound to Judaism. Some songs have some minor cursing in them and few tracks have Kol Isha, (women’s voices), so this artist is not for the more Chassidish viewers, but all in all a very good band with some extremely funky songs. You can check them out on their website www.balkanbeatbox.com/ or buy them on itunes.

4. Blue Fringe
I know almost everyone has heard and listen to them. Their latest CD “Do you realize” was beautiful. These guys are seriously talented and have some really nice voices. They currently have 3 cds on the market and you can buy them all on itunes or go their website www.bluefringe.com

5. C. lanzbom
C. Lanzbom is also one of the more popular Jewish artists out there. With songs very much like Moshav Band and Soulfarm (which he is a member of) C. Lanzbom is music that you can listen to almost anytime. His style ranges from lively rock to soft singing with Noah Solomon. His latest cd I think is called “Chabad Sensations” and it’s a composition of Niggunim sung by him and Noah Solomon. I searched the web for it but can’t seem to find it for sale. I know you can get it in stores. You can buy lanzboms cd’s from his website clanzbom.com or you can get his most popular ones on itunes.

6. Esta
Esta is an old, but still popular, group. Their songs are mostly all instrumental with a Mediterranean style mixed with modern jazz. You have probably heard one or more of their songs on mix cd’s over the past 5 years or so and not even known it. You can to check out the cd “Mediterranean crossroads” and listen to the first song on the cd. It’s enough to get anyone going. You buy all 3 of their cd’s on itunes.

7. Idan Raichel
Wow really sums him up. Idan Raichel has one of the most beautiful sounding Jewish cd’s on the market. His song, “mimamakim”, even kicks shwekeys ‘Rachem”. Again he is not frum and some of the songs contain kol isha, plus the words are in Hebrew and Ethiopian (maybe some Arabic as well) so if he is saying really bad stuff in there… I wouldn’t know. You can buy his cd “the Idan Raichel Project almost in any popular mainstream music store or as always on itunes.

8. Matisyahu
If you don’t know who that is… go back to sleep. Matisyahu is my all time favorite artist and I thank him for keeping me from listening to non-Jewish music over my last 4 years of Yeshiva. You all know his 3 cd’s but if you can get enough of Matis there is plenty more out there. For one, if you become a member of the Matisyahu fanclub (matisyahuworld.com) you get to listen and download all of his live concerts a few days after he performs. The quality is the same as the live at stubs cd. Also if you haven’t heard the Matisyahu version of “Hinai Matov” you have to check it out on his myspace page, myspace.com/Matisyahu. Then there is the “Youth Dub” cd. Basically it has all of his popular songs remixed by a DJ. Plus on the cd is a niggun that is not on another cd. My all time favorite Matisyahu song was never actually released. It’s a song from his demo disk from when he was promoting himself years ago. I got a copy a few years back and I have posted the best song online for you all to stream www.garageband.com/artist/chablog. I know there is a lot of controversy in Lubavitch surrounding Matis but my opinion is if a Chabadnick listens to Shwekey you can listen to Matisyahu, to all those who differ I just flicked you off. Matis Forever!

9. Rav Shmuel
Most people I have played this to asked me to turn it off but I find it fun and enjoyable. Rav Shmuel is a Rosh Yeshiva by day and rock star by night. His music is all fun and whimsical with a nice vibe to it. You can check him out on his website ravshmuel.com and/or buy his cd on itunes.

10. So Called.
Not many things are more fun then cranking up some so called songs in your room. So Called is electronically messed up. The songs contain many curse words and many Hebrew words. With songs ranging from Pesach Seders to Slaughter on 10th avenue, you really have to prepare yourself to listen to this guy’s stuff. You can check so called out on their myspace page www.myspace.com/socalled and when you are ready can buy their cd’s from itunes.

That’s going to some up my list for now because I have got to hit the sack. If you haven’t heard about it yet you are missing a large part of out Jewish Culture. www.shemspeed.com is the ultimate site for Jewish Artist. You can listen to hundreds of “Jewish” bands and read bios on them and that’s just a small part of the website.

Enjoy everyone and yes! It is better to listen to bands like Balkan Beat Box and So Called then Britney Spears and Eminem. Keep rocking to Jewish beats people! Life is just better like that.

Some Matis Covers

2007-12-19T19:03:00.000-06:00

Jewda

2007-11-25T18:04:00.001-06:00

Beyond IM #2

2007-11-16T06:23:00.000-06:00

I am very overtired.

So it’s been a while since my last post. My post about boys and girls talking a few months back seemed to be rather popular and I promised a lot of people I would follow up on it. It feels rather hypocritical for me to write about this topic. But here goes. Someone asked me a few weeks ago, “is it so bad? Is it so bad for me to just chat up a guy online? Its not like I have feelings for him! Its not like I even like him… its just fun.” Fun. A lot of things in this screwed up world are fun. Its fun to go to clubs and dance for hours while getting trashed on jack and coke, but believe me, not a large majority of Lubavitch teens do that very often. So why has it become so normal to talk to girls (or boys)? Who ever decided that its worse to go clubbing then it is to talk to girls? But still majority of teens who are willing to, or do, talk to girls have never even stepped foot in a club. When was it that our Lubavitch society changed so drastically that it’s become almost a normal thing? Probably around the same time gays decided to wear purple shirts instead of hiding is San Francisco. Shame is all but gone from society. And yes, we are also affected by this change. Parents don’t think twice about their 15 year old kids watching rated R movies. Garbage has just become part of out daily lives. As we ride on the bus that half naked billboard is right there with us. We have been affected in our own way. Things that were bad a few years back are looked at as normal today. So that’s why teens, 14 and 15, feel that’s its not “bad” to talk to the opposite gender. Yes society has changed, but the outcome of our action has not. You will still get depressed when the girl you have talked to for eight months just got engaged. When you’re kicked out of school for being seen walking with a guy on Utica. We still get burned even thought the actual action doesn’t look as hot as it once did. Unless you’re in it to get married, there is never a good outcome. So what if you want to get married? Your 19, 20, out of school, you have a decent job… what the hell. In my humble, but usually bashed, opinion it’s not such a bad idea. Obviously it depends on the person. But if your sitting around with nothing to do and you know that if you sit around much longer your gonna screw up... Here is a letter from the Rebbe to an 18 year old in Yeshiva.

"... You write that the custom in your family is to try and fulfill the saying of our Sages, "At eighteen, marriage [should be commenced]."
Since you have already passed this age, suggestions are being made to you with regard to marriage. You, however, are not sure whether you should act upon these suggestions since you desire to study Torah in tranquility for a period of time.

In my opinion, it would be proper for you to interest yourself in a shidduch. Surely, according to the prevailing conditions in Yerushalayim, you will be able to continue learning after your wedding for quite a lengthy period of time."

From this letter it seems that the Rebbe does not look down upon early marriage. A classmate of mine got married at 19 because he met a girl, loved her, and did not want to screw up so he married her. They are happily married two years later. Again it all depends on the person’s maturity level. The main argument to this is why bother getting married now? You have the rest of your life to be married. Enjoy your teenage years. I don’t know who came up with this idea of “enjoying your teenage years”. Ever since I hit 14 I wanted to be 22. Why would anyone like his or her teenage years? Because we can drink with a bunch of guys, and throw up all over each other? (Or if you don’t roil like that then you can get together with a bunch of guys and go to Russia for the summer and be counselors in some shtetel somewhere.) Maybe its just me but those are all experiences. 90% of what I have done in the last few years is not stuff I would like to do again. Ok I’m going off topic. So yeah if I meet the girl of my dreams at 21 I don’t think I’m gonna be that guy that tells the girls mother to come back in two years, after he gets to go skydiving 3 more times with his dudes. I will thank G-d for showing me my bashert so early so I can enter the best part of my life three years before I was planning on it. To me marriage is a beautiful thing. I have heard my share of old Chassidish men with yellowing beards harass each other about how bad married life is. But you know what, bleach your beard and bring your wife out to a fancy one night. The Rebbe was once asked by someone what he should do for Sholom bayis. The Rebbe answered that every day he takes off time to go home and sit down for a cup of tea with the Rebbetzin. The Rebbe! With his busy schedule would go and sit with his wife over tea. Something so physical. So normal. Something that the Rebbe did to show us how to live. These men who talk about marriage as if it were a disease, ask them when the last time they sat down for a cup of tea with their wives. They say chitas and rambam every day because that was what the Rebbe wanted. But the Rebbe went and took time out of his day to show his Chassidim how to live a happy married life and so many Chassidish men seem to miss it. I do want to get married. I am in a rush. I can’t wait to have kids. A happy married life is the most beautiful thing existing in the shitty world. And that inspires me to hold off just a few more years. Knowing that when the time comes G-d will deliver the perfect girl into my arms. (Not having macshavah zarah). I don’t want to screw up now. I wont let myself. That’s why I try not to get into relationships. Because you can only screw up when you put yourself in that situation. Nobody does it for you. You have to make the call, or send the email. It’s your crap you stepped in. Yes you can clean off your shoe and move on with you life. But that’s shoe will smell for the rest of the day.

Sound Check.

2007-10-08T16:18:00.000-05:00

Here are a few Music videos you have gotta see. I am not necessarily down or agree with the lyrics of all these artists but some of their songs are off the hook.

E-SHY -

Ta Shma -

Moshav Band -

Yood -

Soulico - Hassidic viewer discretion is advised.

Tabernacle in the Heights.

2007-10-08T00:25:00.001-05:00

My blog is dying. The problem is that every time I tried to put some of my thoughts down over the last few weeks I got stuck. I realized that most, if not all, of what I write is disturbingly negative. I hate Yeshiva. The system sucks. Chabad is falling apart. What the hell is my problem? I live a good life. Some people have the right to complain. Usually for some reason that we should never know of, but me? So ya. Here I am. Complaining about why I complain. I guess that just part of my personality. The part that really comes out when I have a back lit keyboard and an empty word document. Well I guess as long as I enjoy doing it then what the hell… Anyway I spent the first days of Sukkos and Chol Hamoed in Crown Heights. Ahh Crown Heights. The holiness. The excitement. The high heel boots. Yes, Crown Heights has got it all. Sukkos was spent quite differently then my previous years. Usually I would buy myself a Lulav and stand on street corners in Skokie asking random people to make a blessing on a palm branch. This year it was spent drinking beer with a bunch of high friends in Sukkahs all over Crown Heights. It was actually quite a drastic change for me and took a little bit of getting used to, but I eventually caught on and it turned out to be quite entertaining after the right amount of beers. Between drinking I would trek across Crown Heights to charge my laptop at a friends house being that I forgot my charger back at home. All in all it was quite an exhilarating trip. Simchas Beis. The high time of Tishrei in CH. Be warned I will be using some graphic language so if you’re not cool with that then, I don’t know go read shmais. Now I know I will probably sound like some CH mother rambling about her innocent Ohlei-Torah-Nick, but let me try and explain. I’m a guy. Almost 19. I like girls. On a normal occasion seeing a bunch of girls on a street corner would excite me. But the scene that took place every night, not just on Crown Street, but throughout Crown Heights was a serious turn off. Girls just sitting on curbs waiting for some loan guy to come “pick her up” maybe “bring her back to his place”. From 13 to 20’s, girls were everywhere. I felt like I just got off the wrong stop in some red light district. Blaring music and girls dressed like sl#ts just sitting around “showing off the their goods” begging for every guy walking past to ogle at them. It was disgusting. And to think that any decent guy would be loser’ish enough to actually go out with one of them? Go home, call up a friend, find a nice decent girl that you can connect with and hook up. If your going to anyway you don’t have to lower yourself to the standards of some idiotic frat boys from Massachusetts. Get a grip. I did see some Rabbis walk over to a few girls and scream at them “To get the hell out of here” which I don’t really think was the way to go about it, but still if a girl has the audacity to dress skanky and roll into a religious neighborhood, the Rebbe’s neighborhood, as thousands of black hated men and Rabbis with white beards stand nearby and they go and make out with their boyfriends in clear view of the public, its just… wrong. Then I turn my head the other way. I see thousands of men dancing and singing with serious joy. Sure half of them were probably drunk, but so what. They were dancing. They were living. As I joined a circle in my alcohol dazed state I found myself dancing next to a good friend of mine. He was dancing in the same spot by himself. His eyes were closed and he was just jumping up and down. He was dancing with G-d. He was feeling the ecstasy of true joy. I danced next to him also alone trying to get into the same sort of trance he was. After a few minutes he opened his eyes and saw me. He pulled me into a hug and we began to dance together. I asked him how he does it. “How do you get yourself to ignore everything? The hundreds of girls watching every bead of sweat fall from your face? The group of French guys nailing you in the back every few minutes? The fact the your week did not go so well…?” How does someone just block everything out and join G-d. He answered me by dancing. “Dance! Dance!” Simcha Poretz Geder. So we danced. Hours in the same spot. Side by side. And as I felt the Smirnoff creeping up my throat for the tenth time that night I just continued to jump up and down with my eyes closed. Yearning to experience true joy. And I did. Really I did. Like nothing else mattered. I wasn’t trying to impress anyone with my moves. I suck at dancing. I was just dancing. Letting myself go. And let me tell you, it feels good. So good that give it a few years Yeshivas will ban it.

Have an easy fast...

2007-09-21T03:40:00.000-05:00

Sorry for not blogging much lately. I have been kinda busy working:
Check it out Here and Here.

Every one should have an easy fast and a totally cleansing Yom Kippur!
Gmar Chasima Tovah!

G-d bless America and George Bush!

2007-09-04T15:41:00.000-05:00

Californiacation

2007-08-26T22:24:00.000-05:00

I am now in Long Beach California for my sisters L'Chayim to Menashe Levy. I am actually at the L'Cahyim right now. I will be here untill wednesday so if you dont see an update its not becuse I am in California... Its just becuse i have better things to do. Only Simchas Baby! (welcome Menash!)

Some actual judaism.

2007-08-17T02:35:00.000-05:00

So after some constructive criticism I decided to post a different style ramble then I usually would post. We have just entered the month of Elul. I don’t usually dwell upon time. It makes me depressed. But fact is we are back. Its Elul again if we like it or not. Shofar blowing and all that totally rad stuff.

The following is the parable of the Alter Rebbe as recorded in Likkutei Torah (free translation):

“The matter can be understood through a parable of a king, who, before reaching the city, is greeted in the field by citizens of the city who leave the city in order to greet him. At that point, any person who wishes to do so may come and greet him, and he welcomes them in an encouraging way, showing each of them a smiling face. When he leaves for the city, they follow him. But later when he is in the royal chamber, no person may enter without permission, and even then only extremely privileged and fortunate people are granted permission.”

It’s a very famous parable. Probably the most, being that the Rebbe used it every year when speaking about the month of Elul. I remember this parable being brought down by the Rebbe in the Mammar “Ani L’dodi V’dodi Li.” I am going to bring down a few points from the Mammar that I particularly enjoyed.

The Rebbe always found a reason for everything. Why this Holiday was more special then that… why this Parsha falls out on this Shabbos… literally everything had a reason. That was the Rebbe’s point. To show us that nothing, nothing at all, happens in this world just because. Every single little minute detail of life that we would totally ignore has a much higher purpose and Hashem chose that this little detail should be there for a tremendous reason that we cant comprehend.

The Rebbe asks why this Mammar of “Ani l’dodi” (from Likutei Torah) starts on page “Lamed Beis”, 32, of Likutei Torah. The Rebbe explains how just like chapter 32 of Tanya is the Heart of Tanya so to here page 32 of Likutei Torah. And the Rebbe goes on, that even though Likutei Torah was printed afterward, (I guess meaning after the Mammar was said), still because it’s a Sefer of Torah we can learn a lesson from it. The Mammar talks about the King in the field. What is the idea of a field? In the field everyone is equal. Unlike when the king is in the palace that only certain individuals could approach him, here, in the field, not only can anyone go to him, but also he greets everyone happily. That shows how us, “Ani”, and Hashem, “L’dodi”, are the heart of each other. Through the Achdus, unity, of us, we become one with Hashem. Therefore the month of Elul, the Rebbe goes on, is the month of unity.

So here we are everyone. The month of unity had just begun. Has Lubavicth ever been as divided as we are now? We Farbreng about Elul. We buy our tickets to come to the Rebbe for Tishrei. No shame. We show up in the Rebbe’s daled amos, (personal space), as a divided group of Chassidim. Some will daven upstairs, some will daven downstairs, some cant hack both and therefore have started their own little shteebles in Crown Heights just so that can divide themselves a little further. No shame. We are in the month of Elul. Unity. Ahvas Yisroel. But all I can hear about is this court case and that fight. Oh, I did hear some good news this week. Crownheights.info posted an article about Yossel Gutnick making peace with his brother-in-law after 10 years or something. This is good news? This is Ahvas Yisroel? 10 years to be in a fight with your brother-in-law, and your fight is so public that one of the most viewed Chabad news sites have to publicize that it has been resolved? It made me nauseous. I live in Chicago. I know what fights are all about. Unity in Lubavitch nowadays sounds almost as farfetched as peace in the Middle East.

But still we learn the Rebbe’s torah. We make unity gatherings. And we hope and pray that the Rebbe should reveal himself to us and redeem us from our embarrassing state.

But back to the Mammar, the Rebbe also tells us how we are exactly where we are supposed to be. The field. Not the City. The city is already inside the realm of Kedusha, (not Manhattan). Bread comes from the field, and with the bread we elevate it gives us life. The Avodah, (job), that we need to do is to elevate the world around us. That cant be done in the city because it already had that elevation, but our Avodah is the bread of the field. Yes, this mammar was said before Nun-Aleph, Nun Beis, when the Rebbe told us time and time again that we have polished all the buttons, gathered all the sparks, and the world is only waiting for Moshiach… and so in light of that may we merit to have the Beis Hamikdosh rebuilt so that it can spread out to Jerusalem, and Jerusalem can spread out to Israel, and Israel can spread out to the entire world, and then our fields will be the fields of Moshaich. May everyone have an Elul filled with Jewish unity so we can actually approach the King this year with our heads held up just a little bit higher.

My shot at a plea.

2007-08-15T03:40:00.001-05:00

Rebbe!

My City of Brotherly Love is burning down.

Nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care.

They just fan the flames of controversy and go on with their lives. I go on with mine.

Until when? Until when will this world go on in such a pitiful state?

You promised us something. Your words are truth.

I don’t know if we have won or failed. It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s over. It’s the beginning. Moshiach has to come.

We are waiting. We have been waiting.

How can you make us wait like this? Out in the dark and cold. Your own children! But still we wait.

We believe in you. We believe in G-d. That is all we believe. Without that belief we have nothing. No life. No purpose. No meaning. So we wait. And wait. And wait. And wait...

Some new tunes

2007-08-10T02:06:00.000-05:00

The Leeves: Chanukah Rocks! - By Jdub

Moshav Band: Tefillah Live

Rav Shmuel: Protocols (I love this dude!)

Y-Love

Nosson

Flashback

2007-08-09T22:36:00.001-05:00

I don't even know why I am posting this... (Its a song that me and my older bro wrote years ago). Listen here.

Unwanted pain.

2007-08-06T04:05:00.001-05:00

This past Friday Lubavitch worldwide was shocked by a horrible tragedy. An accident that none of us want to admit to ourselves took place. A Jewish soul was lost. Another lies in critical condition in a hospital. And a third will have to look at this day for the rest of her life. How is G-d capable of such devastation? How can he deliver so much pain? I have asked these questions many times, on behalf of myself, and on behalf of others. There is no reason to ask. I have asked countless times and sadly to say G-d never answered me.

Toby Eagle was in my older sisters class. My father took her senior portraits. She played violin in my basement during Farbrengens. From what I heard, she was a true Bas Melech. And like that, one split second on the road. Her life. Her dreams. Gone. Taken away. All that’s left is her legacy. And as I see from the outpouring love of Anash from the world over, Tobys legacy will not be forgotten.

Last week my family saw my older sister get engaged. As our entire family posed for pictures with smiles on our faces not truly understanding how thankful we all had to be to make it to that day, this, for me, is a slap in the face. G-d gives. G-d takes. We take for granted everything G-d gives us. Sure we pray, but are we really thanking G-d for keeping us alive another day so we can continue on our lives, our dreams? No.

A few years back G-d took my nephew from us. I was devastated. Literally made a Hachlatah to throw G-d away. (That lasted 20 minutes or so). But as I cried another round of tears, I was not angry at G-d in a way I got angry with my mom. I was confused about how selfish G-d seemed. Why the tease? Why take a newborn baby from the world? I understand he has his mission, yada yada yada, but what about us? His mother. His Father. To have that haunt them the rest of their lives. It just seems so unfair.

As I listen to Mrs. Turen’s recorded Farbrengen from Motzie Shabbos and I feel the love streaming forth from so many people towards Toby, and all the Haclatas being made in her memory, I am sure she is smiling down with a smile nobody has every witnessed on earth.

My heart goes out to Tobys family. Please be strong. For us. For her.

A Refuah Shelimah to Orah Mital bas Bella. Please everyone she needs all the Tehillim and prayers we can give.

The Rebbe should reveal himself this second so that all of this growing pain will disappear immediately and we will be reunited with all of our loved ones whos time on this lowly earth has passed.

Ye Chi or not Ye Chi

2007-07-31T01:59:00.000-05:00

This ramble is only applicable for those who believe that the Lubavitcher Rebbe is Moshiach. If you don’t, well then don’t bother leaving comments to argue my point because my point does not apply to you.

I was thinking. During Gush Katif a vast majority of Jews were hyped. Flags, bracelets, mass demonstrations, songs. Something was going on that made people get involved in whatever way possible. We were more then extremist. If we could have afforded it we would have painted our houses orange. We were crazy over an idea. We. The ones who made the controversy. The ones that demonstrated. The ones that tried to make a difference when most of the world – including Jews – was against us.

So I was thinking. The Rebbe promoted Moshiach during Nun-aleph, Nun-beis, in such a way that its impossible to ignore. The Rebbe was an extremist in every sense of the word. The Rebbe wanted and urged that we spread the word of the immanent arrival of Moshiach to the entire world. Yet, a campaign that we have seen during Gush Katif, we have still not touched the tip of the iceberg when it comes to Moshiach.

There is a small group of Lubavitchers that try. Flags, pins, mass demonstrations, songs. Yet, we frown upon them. The extremist. The crazy ones. We don’t understand what can be going through their heads.

So why was it that during Gush Katif it was so easy for us to get involved? To become extremist?

Is it that we are scared? What will the world think…?

Or do we not believe?

We believe the Rebbe’s prophecies related to Israel, but the hundreds related to Moshiach we cant seem to comprehend and promote…

The Rebbe begged of us to become extremist. Yes, in a way that the world will not freak out, (as so many devoted Lubavitchers always seem to point out). But when it came to Gush Katif, when most non-religious Jews were pushing for the expulsion, we went ahead and disagreed. We were not sacred about how they might take it. We believed something was right and we did everything to wearing orange boxers to promote that belief.

Still when a handful of Lubavitchers do the same with a concept that we know inside is the truth, we spit upon them.

Matisyahu: Sitting Here In Limbo?

2007-07-26T15:42:00.000-05:00

Debra Nussbaum Cohen - Via the Jewish Week.

Could it be that Matisyahu — the genre-bending poster boy for all that is cool and kosher — is off the derech? At least the Chabad derech?

It sure looks that way after the chasidic reggae star told the Miami New Times last week before a concert, “I felt boxed in.”

“My initial ties were through the Lubavitch sect. ... At this point, I don’t necessarily identify with it any more,” Matisyahu told the Miami weekly. “I’m really religious, but the more I’m learning about other types of Jews, I don’t want to exclude myself.”

The news that Matisyahu appears to be distancing himself from Chabad, the outreach-oriented group that helped transform him from a Reconstructionist-affiliated suburban kid to the chart-topping hipster he’s become, lit up the Orthodox blogosphere.

Some bloggers even expressed fear that the 28-year-old Crown Heights resident and father of two — who last year was crowned Billboard’s top reggae artist and was referenced in the hit film “Knocked Up” — would lead young people away from religious life.

“I am and have always been concerned with his effect on frum (religious) teenagers. Especially kids who may already be on a bad derech (path), Matisyahu is something that could lead them further down that wrong path,” writes Chaim Rubin, a blogging father and marketing consultant (life-of-rubin.blogspot.com) who lives in Crown Heights.

Matisyahu’s work has been that rare combination of hip and frum for chasidic consumption. He marries the Lubavitch man’s uniform — dark pants, white shirt, long beard and tzitzit hanging out — with reggae’s spiritually and socially conscious lyrics (some of them weaving in chasidic-inflected Hebrew) and dance-hall rhythm into a powerful message for young Jews.

Perhaps unwittingly, the singer has become a role model for young Lubavitchers who themselves feel “boxed in” by family and community expectations.

“He’s someone who me and hundreds of guys look up to. He’s out there, he’s with it, and it’s a real powerful image of being proud of who you are,” said Yossi B., an 18-year-old Lubavitch blogger with a site called Chablog (chabloglubavitch.blogspot.com), in an interview with The Jewish Week.

On Chablog, Yossi wrote “To me Matisyahu is a shaliach (emissary). Hell, a head shaliach, just without the politics. I have spoken to countless amounts of people who have actually changed their lives for the better after hearing Matisyahu sing.”

“I see that people are scared that he might totally lose it. I would sort of flip out if he decides he doesn’t want to be frum anymore. A lot of guys would flip out,” said Yossi, whose room is decorated with Matisyahu posters.

Matisyahu could not be reached for comment.

Others write that Matisyahu’s comments have brought their support to an end.

“I am admitting that I was wrong to ever promote Matisyahu,” writes Rabbi Levi Brackman of Evergreen, Colo., on his blog (levibrackman.blogspot.com), which was reprinted on a central Lubavitch news site, Shturem.net and later removed.

“It is my hope that he keeps his faith,” continued the rabbi, “and does not go off the deep end and thus take others with him.”

Matisyahu – a beacon of truth in a world of bull.

2007-07-20T01:47:00.000-05:00

An answer to a disturbing article.

Today Shturem.net posted an interview with the world-renowned superstar, and Chassidic Jew, Matisyahu, from the Miami New Times. They also posted Rabbi Levi Brackman’s response. My first thought when I read the article was I wanted to get a flight to bloody England and kick this Rabbi’s … But after checking my paypal account and seeing that a flight to England was totally out of the question I decided to just blog about it.

“This is my journey. My initial ties were through the Lubavitch sect... I went to a Hasidic school for two years in Brooklyn. At this point, I don’t necessarily identify with it any more. I’m really religious, but the more I’m learning about other types of Jews, I don’t want to exclude myself. I felt boxed in.” - Matisyahu.

I have heard Matisyahu talk like this personally and I wasn’t “surprised” and I defiantly did not look at Matis as “breaking off” from Lubavitch when I read this. So why did someone as smart as Rabbi Brackman badmouth and shun Matisyahu publicly? Matisyahu was speaking what he felt in his heart. For some Lubavitchers speaking from your heart is going against the system and Kabalas O’l. I add that to my long list of Lubavitch BS. Matis is a fresh Bal Tshuvah. He jumped into a frum lifestyle so fast he probably never knew what hit him. It’s a miracle that someone who went from soul-searching dreadlock dude, to a fully religious Jew, to a Hollywood star, in a matter of months did not have a serious relapse.

My father became frum years ago. At the time when he was already rocking a beard and black hat he insisted his younger stepbrother, who was not religious, to go to Yeshiva and check it out. He did. He was in Morristown for no longer then a month when he was already wearing a hat, growing his beard and putting on Teffilin. Until one morning he got up, looked at himself in the mirror and proclaimed that he made a mistake. He instantly dropped it all and to this day, over 20 years later, never came back.

Matisyahu on the other hand has been a fully religious Jew for over five years now. He jumped into Chabad because they were the ones who opened their arms to him. They were cool. Their ideas were inspirational. Their Rebbe was supernatural. For a soul seeking Jewish student I can see were he might of got turned on. Now, five years later, he sees the full picture. Power. Politics. Money. And a whole lot of Chassidish BS to go along with it. Its not hard for me to understand why he feels “boxed in”. There are many other Jewish sects. Yes, for me as a devout Lubavitcher from birth, I believe that Chabad is the ultimate. But for Matisyahu, a Bal Tshuvah who went from Hadar Hatorah in Crown Heights to the red carpet in Hollywood, its not as black and white.

To me Matisyahu is a Shliach. Hell, a head Shliach, just without the politics. I have spoken to countless amounts of people who have actually changed their lives for the better after hearing Matisyahu sing. Online I have seen Matisyahu related content on facebook, my space and forums all over the web with topics ranging from “I was going to kill myself until I heard Matisyahu”, to “I want to bring Moshiach after hearing Matisyahu sing.”

What is the Rebbe doing? The Rebbe is promoting concepts of Goodness and Kindness, of Moshiach, to the entire world. Not just Jews. Not just America. The Rebbe has reached his holy hand around the entire world and rekindled a light of goodness that billions of souls were yearning for. TV, Radio, Billboards. The Rebbe had the greatest marketing campaign since coke-a-cola. Now Chabad is everywhere.

Thousands of American youth, Jewish and gentile, flock to concerts every day. The music industry is so large and so full of crap it’s impossible not to see it in our day-to-day life’s. Now to me a Jewish man, not a Lubavitcher lets say, but a fully religious orthodox Jew, gets on MTV and tells the world the message of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, that’s enough for me to be a fan of the man. To see a-hundred-thousand people wait for the concert to start because there are not three stars in the sky yet, to me is a sign of Moshiach. To hear a crowd of Jews and non-Jews screaming at the top of their lungs they want Moshiach now, and understand what they are saying because the singer on stage just told them a Chassidic story and explained what the world would be like with Moshaich, is unreal. And as I stood there at his concert and listened as he sang Tzama Lcha Nafshi and translated each word to the crowd of twelve thousand people, my heart was filled with respect for the man standing on stage, swaying back and forth, singing a Niggun of the Rebbe with such feeling that I had never seen at Farbrengens with top Mashpias. To me that man is something special. Lubavitch. Not Lubavitch. I don’t give a crap. He is bringing Moshiach. And that’s all that matters.

Now to argue Rabbi Brackman, he states: “Over the last year as his career has progressed I have grown more and more wary of Matisyahu, his music and his public statements. His lyrics no longer really reflect deep Jewish spirituality and his behavior on stage is becoming increasingly secular. Now that he has publicly distanced himself from Chabad/Lubavitch I am admitting that I was wrong to ever promote Matisyahu. It is my hope that he keeps his faith and does not go off the deep end and thus take others with him.”

First off, I don’t see how his lyrics have lost their Jewish spirituality. Actually I think they still have them, he just added a lot more practical ones also.

“Fear nobody but his majesty
My spirit you’ve retrieved
For you I wait silently
It seems that you believe in me” – Indestructible

“Rebuild the temple and the crown of glory
Years gone by, about sixty
Burned in the oven in this century
And the gas tried to choke, but it couldn’t choke me” – Jerusalem

“Half the truth is just a lie, they rub me the wrong way, they say their way or fall behind. Seven subjects disconnect, left out the concept as to why there's a spiritual emptiness, so the youth them get vexed, skip class and get wrecked fill with beer and cigarettes to fill the hole in their chest.
Young man, control in your hand
Slam your fist on the table and make your demand
Take a stand
Fan a fire for the flame of the youth
Got the freedom to choose
You better make the right move.” – Youth

“And his behavior on stage is becoming increasingly secular.”

What the hell are you talking about??? When Matis first started, and you loved him, he was doing stage dives into mixed crowds. Now when someone corrected him, he no longer stage dives, instead he has other shtick that he pulls. Dancing with kids in a circle. Doing a Chassidish dance with a hat and jacket buchor. Climbing on top of speakers. No, but your right totally secular. (Extreme sarcasm.) And you say that you were wrong to ever promote him. Why? If you thought he was good then and doing good things then why do you regret it? For all you know one of those kids in your school heard “King without a crown” got inspired, and Davened with extra kavanah that day. You regret that? Or maybe one of them logged onto youtube and instead of looking at clips of who knows what he watched Matisyahu say Havdallah in front of thirty thousand people. Hmmm.

There is a famous story of a buchor who complained about going on Mivtzoim and nothing happened. The Rebbe said, that by him walking in his hat and jacket down the street, an old woman looking out her window could have been helped. For how may years did Matisyahu perform with his hat and jacket? Hell, as he stood on the red carpet surrounded by garbage he was proudly wearing his hat and custom made kapatoeh. The effect Matisyahu had and has on the youth of America is obviously something you will never comprehend.

“However, for now I see him on the same level as I would see any other secular Jewish singer–a good Jew with secular music which in no way promotes my faith and, as a Chasidic Jew, not music I want in my house or my kids listening to.”

You know your right. Bob Dylan and Matisyahu are pretty much the same. One barely licked the edge of Torah his entire life, and one says Chitas and Davens every day, but no, your right he is like every other secular Jewish singer. Matisyahu is not made for your little kids in your house, and I hope you don’t have a problem with your teenage ones listening to him because that’s just… odd. You don’t want Matisyahu in your house because you have some perverted ideas about him fine, but to publicly badmouth him to the entire Lubavitchh? I think you need to ask yourself who is the good Jew in this situation. No disrespect intended.

O.M.G!

2007-07-17T16:14:00.000-05:00

Now I know its the nine days and we cant listen to music so if your a Chassidisher please ignore this post but I could not resist. The video you see below is a concert in Granger Community Church. The singer tackles "King without a crown" by Matisyahu. Something about a big black Christian man singing about Hashem and Moshiach is just... weird?

AWAKEN YOUR CREATIVITY!

2007-07-13T01:51:00.001-05:00

Hey, just checking in to make sure that this website is still online. I have not bloged for the longest amount of time. Its simply because I had nothing to blog about. The news has been lame. I cant post music because it’s the 3 weeks… (I have some very observant viewers… hey Rabbi.) So ya, I’ve been kinda stuck. I tried to finish writing the second installment of “Beyond IM” but it was about getting married young, it started freaking me out.

So if you guys wanna see this thing happen I’m gonna need some help. ChaBlog is not just about me and my rantings. It’s about us. Teenage Lubavitchers. Speaking our minds. So if you ever decide to sit down and write what’s on your mind, please send it in, so we can post it. Everything can be posted anonymously. Pictures, videos, articles, songs. Everything is welcome. Send it to Yossi@belkinder.com - cant wait to see what you got. And remember Shin happens. But that’s no reason to thrown in the dreidel.

Matisyahu Live @ Pabst.

2007-06-28T04:09:00.001-05:00

I was never more proud to be Frum. Last night was my first Matisyahu concert. My big sis and I drove down from Chicago. Being that I am a hardcore fan since he launched “Shake off the dust… Arise” I can’t believe I never had the privilege of hearing him live. I have to say it was by far one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Matisyahu is more then a singer. Matisyahu is a Shliach. As fourteen hundred American youth crowded in Pabst Theatre in Milwaukee Wisconsin, they did not come to hear reggae. They came to see a religious Jew lower himself to their level and sing to them lyrics of inspiration and hope.

We arrived in Milwaukee from Chicago at around seven. The doors were open and there was a line around the corner. As I walked up the sidewalk rocking a hat and jacket, I got many head shakes and “what’s up bro” from loads of teens. I was cool. If only it was like that on Kingston. We were supposed to have free tickets so we made our way to the box office to retrieve them. Sadly there was a mess-up and our names were not on the guest list. Being that there we’re only ten to fifteen tickets left we decided to buy some. While standing outside two guys came over to us and begged that we sell them our tickets. Umm, no. We made our way inside and found ourselves some seats. Five minutes after sitting down Z asked me to come make a Minyan for Mincha. Matis was supposed to be on in like 5 minutes. As 8 other Jewish men and I followed Z backstage and downstairs the crowd above us was shrieking “Matisyahuuu”. I started to say Karbonos and Matisyahu come in and thanks us all for coming. As we start to Daven Shmonei Esreai the noise from the overflowing crowd upstairs was getting us hyped. As soon as we finished he thanked us again and we all made our way back upstairs and to our seats. Once I was settled back the band walks onto the stage with tremendous roars of approval from the crowd. They start to play. My body starts to sway back and forth. Matisyahu comes on to the stage. The entire crowd rises from their seats and don’t sit back down the entire night. “Hashem Sfosai Tiftach Ufy Yagid Tehilasecha”, “Open up my lips and my mouth I’ll declare your praise”. I love how Matis starts off every concert with there words. The words we start off the Amidah. He goes from song to song with no more then 20-second breaks. After “sea to shining sea” he moved onto “Time of your song” and really got the place going. By “close my eyes” he started singing it beautifully and slowly. He sang a quarter of the way in when he suddenly stopped and asked the crown if they want it slow or fast. Fast. Matisyahu screams, “rewind” and they back to the begging and Matis goes nuts. The place is all jumping up and down. Matis starts to explain how the Yiden built the golden calf and had to travel through the dessert for forty years… and how we need water, torah, to survive. He stands erect in the center of the stage and starts to shake back and forth as he starts to sing “Tzama Lcha Nafshi”. I reach down for my hat and put it on. I close my eyes and shake back and forth with him. This was my first spiritual high since I Farbrenged in 770 four years earlier. I picture the Rebbe in my mind singing this beautiful niggun to his Chassidim. And as I open my eyes and see throngs of people, Jews and non-Jews alike all swaying back and forth to this song and feel the air of Moshiach. As he begins to translate verse for verse the crowd is on edge. His voice goes so high that you are in shock. It was one of the most amazing moments of my life. After “Jerusalem” and “Alter” he goes on to his billboard song of “King without a crown”. The crowd goes mad. Half way through the song Matis climbs on top of a speaker and sits down and sways back and forth as hundreds of arms in the air follow his movements. He stands up and looks out at the packed audience of the triple layer theatre. He sings. Beautifully. After a “G-d Bless” he climbs down and goes backstage. The crown applauses. They don’t stop. After four minutes or so of loud applause and whistling, Matis comes back on stage and the band starts rockin out “Youth”. After that he played “Warrior” and “Heights” and left the crowd in shock. It was the most amazing performance I had ever seen. Everyone exiting the theater had a smile across his or her faces. As I start to snap back to reality Z comes over and tells me to follow him. We go outside and meet the guitarist, Eric Dugan. Then Z gives us both back stage passes and we enter. As we come backstage the tour manager is there with Matisyahu’s oldest boy asleep in a stroller wearing a pair of sound canceling headphones. We head downstairs and there are like eight people they’re chilling, Matisyahu among them. I was leaning against a table waiting to have a word with the Man thinking to myself the entire time that I was only a foot away from Matisyahu. Before I could get to him Tali, his wife, called him to take the baby. So we all sit down in this little area waiting for a Mairiv to happen. Rabbi R who was there, and quite high actually, was having fun giving a Shiur on the Rambam of the day. When Matisyahu came back he was in a great mood and sat down on the floor among us to listen to the Shiur. When Rabbi R mentioned the concept of an “Egel Arufah”, Matis cut him off asking what the hell that was. As the Rabbi tried to explain it for around five minutes we all understood and were ready to start Mairiv. Z asked Matis if he would be Chazzan. After a little persuasion Matis agreed. He Davened very slowly putting much emphasis on each word. All in all a rather inspiring Mairiv. Afterwards I at last got to meet my idol. We spoke a bit. He asked me to do a graphic job for his new newsletter entitled “Runaway Truck”. He signed a poster for me and we took some pictures. I then sat down with Z to have a beer and Farbreng. My sis babysat his kid for around an hour. I helped Tali carry all her stuff onto the tour bus and load things underneath. We then decided to go for a walk to a bar around the corner on the river to chill. We brought the baby with us. Sitting there outside was Scooter, the new drummer, and the percussionist. We chilled with them and spoke for a bit before snapping some pics. We ended up sitting down and having another beer. Z and i made a Hachlatah and we started walking back towards the tour bus. As we got there Matis was outside next to the bus in his socks and undershirt and Tzitzis. He reminded me about the graphic job and thanked my sis for talking such good care of his kid. After a last handshake and goodbyes we made our way back to the parking garage were our ride back to Chicago was waiting. As we drove down the empty highway at three am with the windows down blasting “live at stubbs” we realized that if we thought we were fans before, we had no idea what a fan is.

Check out some pics here.

Beyond IM. Installment #1.

2007-06-25T19:48:00.000-05:00

- Viewer discretion is advised – NSFY

I was asked to write my opinion on the subject of relationships between boys and girls before marriage. I don’t really know how best to go about this being that I am only an 18-year-old guy and have a thing for the feminine race, so even though I know and understand why boys and girls don’t mingle before marriage, I still rebel against it. Why do I rebel against something I understand? Because that is the way G-d, with his bright ideas, created me. Its part of nature. Boys like girls. Girls like boys. If that attraction is not there, then there’s a problem.

Let me state the obvious. Say you hook up with this girl on Facebook, she’s cute, she likes you and that makes you feel good. So you end up messaging back and forth, exchange screen-names, then numbers… If you are not the most Chassidish person out there then this scenario probably happened to you before. So you guys have your whole little “thing” going on. Not heaven forbid “boy friend, girl friend”. No, you just talk. Friends. Bull! There is no such thing as a boy and girl liking each other with no physical attraction. You can’t go against the rules of nature. Boys are attracted to girl. Girls are attracted to boys. Friends or not, eventually your going to want more. So you convince yourself that there is nothing “bad” about your little relationship you have going on. It was not what the Rebbe had in mind when he said boys should not talk to girls. You’re smarter. So you eventually decide to meet up in some park at 2am. You’re felling all mischievous and your adrenaline is rushing as you wait for her on a swing. You sit and talk for hours, the moonlight is reflecting off her face; you realize at that instant how much you really like the beautiful creature sitting next to you. Until that one day when you log onto your comp and there is a message in your inbox saying that “it was fun, you’re a great guy, but were just not for each other.” You get depressed. She tells her friends about all the nights you spent together. They tell their friends. You get a bad reputation. And three years down the line when you’re ready to get married, finding a Shidduch is going to be all that much harder. The good side? It was fun at times. The felling you got every time you spoke to her, like she cared. She cared as long as she was enjoying it. As soon as she realized this in not going anywhere, “he’s to frum for me”, “I hate brown eyes”… She moves on. You get hurt. And this is all vice versa. But still we do it anyway. That’s just how the world turns. G-d created it like that and G-d created everything perfectly.

Being an 18-year-old Yeshiva drop out I know how dangerous this path could be. I know how hard it is to be good. To control yourself. But I also understand how these situations can really screw you up. I have an older brother who went through a countless amount of girlfriends. He wasn’t frum. When he became a Bal Tshuvah and decided to get married it was not that easy. To date a girl and not touch her? How the hell are you supposed to do that? He had a very hard time until he at last, thank G-d, met the “one” and got married. He pulled me aside to speak to me and begged me not to screw up like he did and to make the right decisions. So great, now I know not to screw up. Yes, it did mean a lot to me that to see someone who made the mistakes that I want to make and regret them. But until you burn yourself you don’t realize how hot it is. Even with the big warning sign.

So until my next installment all I can say is what everyone says; delete those screen-names out of your IM and remove those friends from your facebook because its just a momentary pleasure that will come back up and burn.

MTV Tours 770

2007-06-24T12:47:00.000-05:00

Check it out!

The Matis we love

2007-06-23T22:18:00.000-05:00

Koheles - By M.B

2007-06-23T22:06:00.000-05:00

Vanity fair –
Open up your eyes now,
Can’t you see the beauty in culture?

Vanity fair-
Open up your doors now,
You see beauty, something more to insure.

King of the sky,
He rises and sets,
He travels the world,
Re-runs: all he gets.

Yet man, he stands here
And works under this sun,
In the end all he gets –
Game over; time done.

The waters –
The thrashing, the calm, and the clear,
Ever flowing down just to hear
There’s still not enough here.

Well the smartest of men, he has searched, he has lost.
Within wealth, women, wisdom – and with no limit in cost…
He has probed, he has pried,
said there’s nothing here to hide
this king called out
with a voice strong and certain as the wind
and he called out to us – before and after him:

and when the world is quiet,
and your mind is shut down too,
if you listen closely you can hear him,
but you must listen wisely too,
open your mind, open your heart,
be the target – catch the dart,
feel the heavens being blown apart,
disconnect the soul to the left of your heart,
listen closely, don’t use your ears, it’s louder than you may think,
for one moment your world turns white,
heavy minds will surly sink,
hear his voice in the core of your brain,
shake off the grime of insanity,
Solomon’s whispering onto you:
shhh, it’s all vanity, vanity, vanity!

Yes, the smartest of men, he has searched, he has lost.
Within time, travel, and torture – all vanity embossed.
He swam the waters, dug up ground
Said nothing new is to be found,
Anything that is – was sometime before,
In another space, another place, it all was something more,
This king called out,
His voice is wise; strong and certain as the wind,
And he called out to us – before and after him:

And when your world is quiet,
And your heart is tuned in too,
Listen closely and you’ll hear him,
But you must be trusting too,
Shut down your mind, shut down your heart,
Feel the bridge between them being torn apart,
Be the bow – shoot the dart,
Disconnect yourself - from the ground depart,
Listen silently, use your spirit, it’s deeper than you may think,
For one moment let your world turn white,
Empty minds will surely blink,
Hear his voice in the core of your soul,
Shake off the grime of insanity,
Solomon’s whispering in your ear:
Shh, it’s all vanity, vanity, vanity!

And the only thing he will tell you,
Is advice so tenderly simple,
The end of all of which he spoke,
Since the earth he claims is easily broke,
Falling low – four worlds in smoke,
To break away and save the way
That we stand as a people –
Fear of God, and Commandments too,
For this is a Man;
and this man can be you…

JetBlue delay.

2007-06-22T11:38:00.000-05:00

Ever had a JetBlue flight delayed? As i was coming home yesterday I took this picture from the gate.

For the Rebbe - By Menucha Belkin

2007-06-19T19:55:00.000-05:00

So many voices at once do begin,
Each at a pitch of their own…
All different voices strain to be heard,
Seems each man is singing aone…

Yet I hear their spirit sing as one
Because when we’re here we become
One voice,
One soul,
One people.

We all sing for him,
No matter how far apart we seem,
No matter how high that fire climbs,
We’re his children-
Our hearts pump the same blood

So don’t ever tell me there’s no worth in singing,
That this song; it has died long ago,
I know as long as we’re here –
His words echo eternity,
He promised we won’t be alone,
He promised we’re never alone

So many voices at once do begin,
Each from a mind of their own…
All different voices strained to be heard,
Shout opinions - each man is alone…

Yet, I hear their heartbeat as one,
When it comes down to him we become
One voice,
One soul,
One people.

We all sing for him,
No matter how different our voices seem,
No matter how cruel our emotions climb,
We’re his children -
our veins pump the same blood

So don’t tell me there’s no worth in singing,
That this song; it has died long ago,
I know as long as we’re here-
His words echo eternity,
He promised we won’t be alone,
He promised we’re never alone,

He promised we’ll all make it home...
so how can they say his promise was....lost long ago?

2007-06-17T20:45:00.000-05:00

13 years only pass by fast when you’re over 40. For a teenager in 2007, 13 years is most of our life. This Monday marks 13 years since the Rebbe was hidden from our eyes. Yes, I say hidden because I am proud to be one of those crack heads who believe that the Rebbe is Moshiach and that Gimmul Tammuz was more then just a funeral procession and a rock in queens. So we are back at Gimmul Tammuz. That day when all the Moshichist “Farbreng” and get drunk in 770 to try and ignore the fact that the Rebbe did still not reveal himself and take us out of Galus. And across Crown Heights all the Antis will have their Farbrengen in Beis Rivkah were they will “Farbreng” and get drunk and cry about a Rebbe that they no longer have. We have done it before.

I still remember 4 years ago when I was in 770 for Gimmel Tammuz for the first time I had a few too many L’chayim’s (being that I only weighed 70 pounds 2 shots was overdoing it). I was dancing like I have never danced before. I was innocent. I remember that night honestly believing that this was it, Moshiach was going to come, thousands of men dancing on tables, the song of Yechi drowning out every other sound. The excitement that I felt that night never happened again. And as I woke up the next morning throwing up over the side of my bed, I did not get depressed. I knew that there would be another year. Another day. Another bottle of Smirnoff. But the excitement and rush of that night never came back.

And as I pack a small bag to come to Crown heights to do the same thing I have done so many times before, I have a feeling that maybe. Maybe this is the year. The moment. But then reality strikes and I sadly and sickly know that when I will wake up on Tuesday morning with a hangover and prepare to return back home, it will just be another day. A regular day. A day in Galus.

How long can hope live on? Because that is what the youth of this generation are living on. A burnt out hope. But nevertheless a hope. A hope that the Rebbe, who we all love and miss, even though we don’t know him, will reveal himself to us and take us all out of Galus, before we have to live through another Gimmul Tammuz.

Yechi HaMelech HaMoshiach! Ad Mosai!

Follow up to my ramble... by my dad?

2007-06-10T12:53:00.000-05:00

It is a bit unfair. As you say yourself, you never got to try a "mainstream" yeshiva. Maybe that's what's missing....

What made me (and many like me) become frum was - for the first time in my life - experiencing Yiddishkeit in a completely "genuine" and uncompromising manner. Today most Chabad houses don't use that approach; they try more to cater to the crowd. I disagree with that.

Yeshivas I think are similar. There are a lot of "smaller" (for lack of a better word) yeshivas. They try to provide "environments" over content. The people who run them (I'm generalizing) feel things that they can't transfer to another person. They often can't understand why the boys don't quite "get it". So they create an "environment" and try to force/scare the boys into fitting into it.

Some of this is just normal teenage years. Similar things can be said in every teenage environment and situation. Including goyish ones. It's very confusing to be a teenager. It's part of the maturing process... one questions, rebels, etc. even when they don't really want to. Often they don't even know why. It's called "finding one's independence; defining onesself". It's a hard process.

Instinctively, I believe there are answers to making it through such times/feelings easier. I think that if I ran a "yeshiva" I would find a solution. But who knows if I really would. Perhaps the biggest problem is that these environments discourage "questioning" basics - they assume everyone just "accepts". I think teenagers NEED to question. They should be allowed to, but guided towards the right answers. If an intelligent person questions enough and is surrounded by other intelligent people, they will usually arrive at the proper conclusion.

I also feel that most Yeshivas are overly "stifling". They suppress kids' desires to grow in other ways. But that's really not what's happening. What they ARE doing is trying desperately to DEFER those desires, not to suppress them. There are only a few years when real learning can happen. Later, life gets in the way. By the time one gets to their mid 20's and would like to go back, it's too late. That's why the "baal teshuvah" yeshivas seem better -- they are populated by people in their 20's, 30's and older who WANT to "go back" and have found a way to do it. But most people never can, even if they want to -- finances, family, responsibilities, jobs, etc. prevent it.

How does one get teens to really understand this? They will all say they do, but they don't. They can't. Teens instinctively think that they have the answers; that they know things in a way that no one else can. I did. My friends did. We were wrong...

Today it's all just more confusing than ever, because even the adults are confused.

Holocaust Revisited

2007-06-05T18:53:00.000-05:00

KIEV, Ukraine - A mass grave holding the remains of thousands of Jews killed by the Nazis has been found in southern Ukraine near the site of what was once a concentration camp, a Jewish community representative said Tuesday.

Read more…

Earlier today, as I was scrolling through MSNBC this headline jumped off the page at me. I read the article and it made me realize just how easy it is to forget how many Jewish souls were lost during the war. I think of it as years ago… and then I come to the realization that my dad was born a few year after it ended, my Grandfather was a pilot during the war. It feels so long gone, yet I can almost touch it. I stopped what I was doing and starting reading some articles on the holocaust. Kiev, Ukraine is where one of the worst exterminations took place. The Nazis killed close to 100,000 Jews in Kiev. I was there this past summer, and the Pesach before that. I walked the streets of Kiev. I Davened in its shul. I ate in its kosher restaurant. And I did not think for a second that thousands of Jewish people were murdered here, in this city. I thought about the nice statue in the center of the square, and the size of the parks, but never once did my thoughts touch upon the fact that this city is a Jewish cemetery. Why is it that something so horrible and so personal can be forgotten so easily?

Boruch Ato Hashem Elokeinu Melech Ha’olam Boruch Dayin HaEmes.

Torah Ba'al Peh Petition!!

2007-06-01T13:57:00.000-05:00

By: Someone very deep.

torah ba’al peh
empty mind, empty mind –
the pavement will call out and find,
heads without a thought to bind
His Majesty, with thoughts that see
for this moment – all vanity –
your stuck within insanity
void of his word, you cut off his family
lips speaking air – we’re warned to beware
to keep His word at the front,
while walking the hood,
and thinking we should
of all that we know- inside, from before
our hearts must speak out
no doubt, fleeting moments to shout
the growth is without
that which we know we must keep at the floor
the front of our brain, to not seek so lame
with all that untamed
desire to remain an empty mind.

Empty mind, empty mind,
The ground will call out
Your name in time
When all is revealed, and evil is banned
And our people hold open the promised land
The asphalt will speak then,
All names called will weaken
To quicken the pace,
Level of disgrace, to think that we were above
cement too formed in love
b/c we have a mind, intellect throughout time
yet, without using it through, we’re no more than you
to be trampled upon, moving body as pawn
lacking letters of fire, no thoughts any higher
well, much to retire – without any fervor
and clogged hearts are many,
takes effort, if any
begin now to see – thoughts must always be
Wisdom of His Majesty,
We were warned it will spare us
From the sling He will bare us
From the rumbling below,
They warned us – now we know!
Keep His Wisdom in time,
and not to be ever … an empty mind.

Broke up

2007-05-31T03:04:00.000-05:00

I left her and I don’t know why. I start to choke. Am I really leaving behind all that had brought me to where I am today? And for what? Bells and whistles? I try to calm myself down saying that, we all have to move on sometime or another… but I am still deeply grieved. I shall miss all that we shared together. Long fun nights, bright short days. She was my baby. I cared for her. I brought her everywhere. She was my light at the end of the tunnel. Just like that I replace everything that we had together. I feel her glaring at me with pain. She broke down, as she had done so many times before. This was it. This was the reason I had to leave her. Her emotions were out of control, the doctors said it was a virus, but it has lasted for so long and she was scanned so many times. I took one last glance at her before turning to my new girl. She was on the heavy side. I remember once upon a time finding that extremely attractive. But time had moved on and so had the laws of attraction. I was done with her. I turned around to pay attention to my new babe. Dell’lilah was now just a memory. I have been seduced by an apple so fine…

Busted.

2007-05-28T21:23:00.000-05:00

We all know that a few of MBD's, songs are riped off from non Jewish versions. But did you ever stop to wonder? Whats going on? Well the scoop is that the heart wrenching song of "daddy dear" is NOT his song. He totally ripped it off of a old black and white film from 1956. The song is completely the same... even the style that MBD used to sing it. And in other MBD news: Hes in Cheyrim. (The thing where you spit at bad people, but never really works). What a bummer.

Agree to disagree

2007-05-27T05:00:00.000-05:00

Lubavitcher’s know how to argue. It’s just one of the things we’re good at. As politics rage around the world from Head Shluchim to High Schools, CrownHeights.info takes the cake. Don’t get the wrong idea; Crownheights.info is a great news site. In just a few short years it grabbed Chabad viewers and now it’s more popular then the overrated Shmais.com. The content is usually good and it always has big bright pictures to go along with the dullest articles. My issue is not with the website, but the viewers. Crownheights.info has a cool feature over the other chabad news sites by letting you post comments on anything. After observing these comments for a while it’s starting to get to me. On every news piece, picture, article, there is someone who has to write something stupid and start an argument. Not just any arguments but heated ones where the commentators attack each other. Now I have seen these arguments come up on articles that actually had a political view and therefore people would argue out their humble opinions in the comment section. But as I was viewing the website late Motzie Shabbos I clicked to see the comments that people were writing on Mendy Pellin’s, highly acclaimed, Mendy Report. I was not surprised when the first comment was from someone complaining that the show was going downhill… Ok, fine the dude doesn’t like what he’s seeing and wants to make a point of it. Then a few others start to agree with the first guy… a few more start telling them off for being negative, another guy tells the guy who told them off that he has to face the truth… It’s a firkin 5 minute clip of Mendy having some fun with Charlie Buttons. It’s entertainment. That’s it! Do you critique every video you see on youtube? No. If you don’t like it you click on the next clip. Move on with your life. But Lubavitcher’s just don’t seem to know how to do that. If they don’t like something, anything, they make there voice heard loud and clear (usually anonymously) over the stupidest piece of crap. Now I guess I am sort of a hypocrite because the act of me writing this down and posting it online is just acknowledging what I am saying and now people are going to post comments if they agree or disagree… and that’s just going to prove my point. So if this post has no comments it’s because the site is too new, and not because people don’t want to argue. So there!

Shes so not Glatt!

2007-05-25T18:22:00.000-05:00

Paris Hilton (if you don't know who that is, good for you) has just celebrated her birthday at the new Prime Grill Glatt Kosher Steakhouse on Rodeo Drive (the posh neighborhood) in LA. Loads of stars showed up from The Rock to Nicole Richie. Rumor has it that Lindsay Lohan was also spotted eating a slice of pizza in Naggilah.

You chose!

2007-05-25T03:17:00.001-05:00

Sorry to burst your bubble, but the popular Moshav song "Jockey Full of Bourbon" off their latest CD, "misplaced" is not thier song. Some high yutz, by the name of Tom Waits played it first. So listen to them both back to back and vote on who plays it better...

They Tried To Kill Us. They Failed. Let's Eat!

2007-05-25T03:06:00.001-05:00

Not bad for the French!

2007-05-21T09:11:00.000-05:00

Welcome to my first ramble...

2007-05-21T05:31:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer: This is my first post on the new site. I’m a graphic artist, not a writer. Please email me anything you might want to post online for other to read and comment on.

-

"Today, the way to rebel is to go to Chabad, or show up for Matisyahu or anything else in the vast array of cultural choices created by and for young American Jews." (Hadassah Magazine, June 2007.)

I thought that was a cool quote coming from a non-orthodox Jewish magazine. So now the question is why do we, Lubavitch youth, feel like we have to rebel against what we have. Chabad is outgoing, trendy, and modern. We have it all. Good deeds. Be Green! These are the things that are ruling society today. These are the things that we grew up with. But no, we have to leave it all, just so that 5 years down the line while walking down the steps of whatever campus we end up on, some Chabad guy hands us a bright flyer asking us to join him for Shabbos... Ya, what the hell. We go. We have fun. We remember. We feel comfortable. Before we know it we are back from where we started from. That little kid with the Tzivos Hashem Yarmulka saying the twelve Pesukim before going to bed. We realize that this entire trip we just went on showed us how life can’t get much better then it was.

So then why do we leave? What’s the breaking point that makes us threw it all away. We believe it. We love it. But still we just drop everything. I guess every individual has his own or her own reason why they left. Yeshiva sucked. Principal pissed you off. Mom doesn’t make enough money working as a Hebrew teacher. So we just get pissed. Decide the grass is greener on the other side, (which it is in most places). And that’s it. We come back. We always come back. From one year to fifteen years. That’s just the way it always going to be. You won’t be able to tell someone, “don’t go there, its better where you are.” It just doesn’t work.

Whatever I don’t know why I am rambling about this. I was just in bed trying to sleep and it wasn’t working and this is what happened. My own opinion is that the main problem by guys is Yeshiva. I guess it’s the same by girls with high school or Seminary. Here is something I wrote in Yeshiva this past year:

(I know it’s probably better if i never published this, but i feel that it’s important for other guys to read and relate to. I wrote this one night in yeshiva when i really did not have such a good day...)It’s late. I am in bed but I can’t sleep or even get comfortable because of the pain going through my head making me want to throw up. It’s not a normal headache; it’s the kind that comes from thinking to much. I am trying not to, but I can’t. Decisions. I hate to make decisions. I am in Yeshiva. I hate Yeshiva. I love Yeshiva. I want to leave but I am told to stay. I feel brainwashed into a system. A system built by someone I have been taught to love. Someone that I do love. As I lie in bed knowing that in a few hours I will be woken up to do the same thing I have been doing since I turned 14. I’m told that its how life works, you have a schedule, a lifestyle, and you will always be doing the same thing… I beg to differ. The Yeshiva life is something that we are told is good for us, that we learn is good for us. The system is buried so deep in everyone that when it comes to the time for marriage the fact that you did not spend your entire teenage years in a Yeshiva will have a big part to play in getting a good girl. I would love to say that I don’t give a crap and it doesn’t bother me, but it does. It’s a very good reason for a guy to stick out his Yeshiva years and just do it. Why is it that all of my friends who curse out Yeshiva all day when it comes to the fact that I want to leave they all tell me I am ruining my life?! I don’t agree that Yeshiva is the only place in the world that a teenage Lubavitch boy can be, anywhere else is Jewish suicide. There are specific cases. Not everyone is cut out for the same thing. Yes, there are many different styles of Yeshivas but at the end of the day it all boils down to the same thing: If you are not here, you’re nowhere. A Chassid’s avodah is to serve Hashem with joy. Why do I find myself every day with a bunch of depressed guys talking about how much we hate yeshiva, the mashgiach sucks, and the Rosh Yeshiva pissed me off…! Is this it? Is this where a Lubavitch boy is supposed to be in this generation? Is this the ultimate…? Farbrengens. I have been hearing the same things, making the same hachlotos by farbrengens for 4 years now. It’s great. It’s inspiring. But I grew up. I am not the same innocent kid who when I first went to a Farbrengen in 770 when I was 14 believed, honestly, that Moshiach was going to come that night. Now it takes more then some alcohol and a good niggun to get me going. I wish it didn’t. But it does. I hate thinking like this because I love Yiddishkeit. I love the Rebbe. Why I am so turned off from the environment that I find myself in for so long. The pain in my head is still there. I thought that writing down some feelings would relax me. I want to drop out. I have better things to do with my life and I am wasting them away inside these walls of holiness, of truth. I had enough. Mahpia’s don’t answer me anymore. They tell me I am speaking apikorisim. I don’t get answers. I don’t know… I think I am gonna throw up now.

Who plays it better?
	Moshav Band.
	Tom Waits.

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